August 2011
1 post
May 2009
1 post
WatchYeah, so I can do this stuff now.
April 2009
1 post
Things are rolling
Hey everybody. I am sitting here enjoying the warmth of a rum and diet coke. The girl’s in the tub and the boy is wrestling with his mother. Everybody’s laughing. Over 400 people read something that I wrote today and the first draft of the stupid book should be done in less than four weeks. I hate my day job and I’m fat again - but all things considered, I’m pretty...
March 2009
1 post
“I was going to go. Then I remembered I was a middle-aged man crippled with...”
– The Onion
February 2009
1 post
Something I wrote
Angeline bolted upright in the old kitchen chair as the sensation shot through her like lightning. She wouldn’t notice until the current crisis had past that she had smacked the back of her skull on the old chair pretty hard. The peak of the ancient slab of wood had lodged for a split second into the soft tissue between the bottom of her head and the top of her neck and would no doubt be...
January 2009
1 post
The Screaming Mermaid
My daughter was wearing her outfit from last Halloween today…I have no idea why. She was the little mermaid. I was sitting on the couch. She came running toward me, screaming at the top of her lungs. She dove headfirst into the couch and did a somersault, putting her bottom in the air. She continued screaming as she farted. Then she unsomersaulted and farted again. She successfully...
December 2008
3 posts
Watch
Request for Advice
Okay, so I’ve been trying to train myself to be a programmer and it’s really not working. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent individual. I hold a masters degree and have a day job where some people might consider me “important”. I am a Phd candidate at an accredited institution in the midwest. I swear to God I am not a moron…somebody please believe...
Tumblrsgoodispose
Years of restlessness, that’s me. I know that you guys hate hearing about this shit and prefer the fart jokes, but I’ve had this feeling for years that something big is going to happen. Unfortunately, it never does.
Sure, positive things happen. Good general health, decent paying jobs, hot wives (okay, just the one) great kids, nice house, 37” tv, decent friends…but...
November 2008
2 posts
Quasipermanente
Sorry for the hiatus, I have been moving my family into a giant new house. Actually it’s really old - 170+ years old as a matter of fact. It used to be the girl’s college that the rich farmers sent their daughters to. The house is pretty cool, you should come over and check it out. Seriously, come on over. We are renting it with an option to buy it after 6 months. I have no idea...
Swingers Club
I know two women who are swingers…they are both obese and unattractive. I have seen pictures of their friends and they are also obese and unattractive. This causes me to wonder - are all swingers obese and unattractive? And if you throw in a smoking hot person into one of their swinger sessions, would it ruin everything when everybody runs to have sex with the hot person and leaves the...
October 2008
9 posts
The Easiest Way to Express Yourself
As I logged in to start on today’s update I quickly glanced at tumblr’s homepage. It claimed to me that “tumblelogs are the easiest way to express yourself.” I just shrugged as I got up slowly and turned toward the window. A stiff breeze rushed to greet my congested sinuses as I pulled it open. I looked right. I looked left. “FUCK YOU!!!” I looked right...
Oldventureous
Sorry about making up words in the title, that’s annoying, I should quit that. So I started walking towards the hipster-downtown part of Springfield in search of food. For some reason I walked into an Irish bar instead. And for some reason the Irish bartender was Korean, which was weird…but she was hot. I drank frosty cold beers for dinner and made idlechit-chat with the 24 year...
Aloneotel
Sitting by myself in a hotel room in Springfield Missouri. I am starting to get a cold and am sneezing all over the place. I walked to the local conveience store and almost instantly saw a sixer of Mickey’s brain grenades. Holy crap they are good. You know how when you go to a cheap hotel they have the giant HVAC unit crammed into the wall that makes a ton of noise? Right now I am in a...
Becoming Just a Geek
My wife just referred to me as her own personal geek squad. Despite the fact that the people at geek squad don’t generally know what they are talking about, I was secretly really proud. I am having a terrible time nailing down any particular programming language, but I have had fun playing around with Java and Ruby. I really enjoy it and want to program part time someday, but I just...
Spread'em Sheets
I have been engaged in the mind-numbing chore of updating sales tax spreadsheets for the better part of the day. I am here to report that it sucks. I wonder if there’s going to be a point in this show where the funny version of me comes back. Do you think that it’s all in my head?
Faster Faster
I am going to try and fast today and see if my stomach gets any happier. Then I am going to go around to various websites and tell them how lame their attempts at humor are.
Pure Stomach Revolt
I had such high hopes for this whole project. Someday we might get to that. Today I am going to bitch about stomach pain. I think most of it came about due to a 180 degree change in diet…meaning that I used to work out until my feet threatened to quit on me and I only ate stuff that would make me feel good. Lately I have been eating whatever the hell I wanted and severely paying the...
Only So MUch Time for So Many Lives
Instead of working at the job that pays me money. Or working on the stuff that will someday pay me money, I am spending quality time with my family. Which I suppose is the right thing to do. I just wish that I could get along without having to sleep.
Time for a First Something
Hey. Just making sure all the pipes are connected and all the crap’s running through properly. Should be just a few more weeks before I get this thing moving.
Thanks,
Some Guy